The Secrets of Happy Families- Book review, by Bruce Feiler

Bruce Feiler scours the worlds of business, psychology, sports, the military, interior design, finances, and more to find the best practices that can be applied to families, too.  Everything he wrote about is backed up by recent research from multiple fields (which I am not citing.)  I highly recommend this book- it was entertaining to read (partly because written by a man!) and really full of helpful ideas.  Every so often I think it's good to refresh our ideas about family management, and not just go on autopilot.  It also reminds me to look back at my book review posts from the past few years and remember and put back into re-use the highlights!

Practices of agile families- based on successful business practices
Self directed morning check-list
why?
-kids find it comforting on groggy mornings to be able to go through the list of what they need to do
-parents can focus on the "softer side of parenting"
-teaches kids to be responsible and get the complete job done
-kids learn and enjoy the satisfaction of checking off the list
View our lists with words and clip art for non-readers on google drive (new window:)

Family meetings
-why?  because it's a built in mechanism for communication and reflection
-start with a drumroll or something else fun
-sitting on soft surfaces, in a circle formation, eating from same meal, and holding warm drinks are proven to make people act more kindly, cooperate like a team, and find their commonalities
-allows a time that kids know "tough subjects" may be brought up in a safe environment to discuss them.  i.e., not a crazy idea to sit down and talk to parents
-three questions to discuss
1) what things went well in our family this week?
2) what things could we improve in our family?
3) what things do we want to work on this week?

Miscellaneous:
-Go fast, but don't rush!
-to maximize sibling relationships and minimize conflict, have kids spend time beforehand engaged in a joint activity that reaffirms their connection
-most people have either a great family or a great career, and the other one is average.  The only way to have both be awesome is to apply the same level of passion and energy to your family as you do to your work.  Avoid that assymetry! (p.52.)
-synergize: build family unity while celebrating differences
-scientific studies show a persistent correlation between religiosity and happy families, and men with community religious participation as good, involved fathers and happy husbands.
-sitting at right angles is good for conversation,
-chores = "taking care of your awesome stuff"
-playing games together is a way to experience a common thing, when otherwise, kids and adults live in different kinds of mental worlds (online recs - Zynga, words with friends, cityville and farmville)
-try making an "Amazing Race" for a family vacation- creates teamwork
-"you're the kind of person who...(gets up and tries again.)" etc., from sports chapter, p.225. positive reinforcement builds self-esteem
-family boot camp- p.246. wow- forging a closer bond through crazy overnight missions!

Family dinners
-more about the family, less about the dinner (can be breakfast, or just a couple sacred times a week)
-kids knowing about their family history was the single best predictor of children's emotional health and happiness
-this makes a case for telling family history- stories and photo albums ;-) ;-) ;-) !!!
-the message is that a person with a strong "intergenerational self," who is connected to something bigger than themselves, is more resilient.  The family message is "we've had our ups and downs, but we've always stuck together and stuck it out."
-making really memorable family traditions strongly develops connectedness.
-lots of talking and listening.
-"hunger games:" playing word and talking games at the table.  word of the day (use it in a sentence), autobiographical story telling, alliteration, Q&A, etc.

Branding your family- family mission statements
-"the family brand is a clear, articulate vision of what we want our family to be and what values we want our children to uphold."  can be brief or detailed.
-80 words to help you describe your family identity (p. 66)
-create home environment where kids know exactly what is expected of them
-use a visualization exercise where a person narrates to themselves a description of their "best possible selves."  Research shows this is even more powerful than gratitude exercises.
-gives clarity and framework for dealing with life- because sometimes life comes at you in challenging, unexpected ways.

Five step process for fighting smart:
-isolate your emotions
-observe the bigger picture (go to the balcony)
-consider the other side's perspective
-don't reject, rather, reframe
-build them a golden bridge

teaching kids to manage money
-the chapter had lots of good options to consider from families who do give allowance, do not give allowance, pay for chores, do not pay for chores, encourage investment and savings through artificially high interest rates at the Bank of Mom and Dad, those who do not, etc.
-FamZoo is an awesome family money management website/app the author recommended
-most impact made when someone would have to give back a "gift" i.e.: you want Joey to make his bed.  You pay him $2 a week but if he doesn't make his bed he has to give it back.  That seems to be more powerful (based on studies) than rewarding him for making his bed, or delivering a negative consequence.
-money categories: mine, ours (family fun), share, save

Talking about tough stuff with kids
-if you talk about the little problems now, you can talk about the big problems later
-see chapter 7, the mom who made a huge, public, celebratory identity for herself as being the one all the kids could talk to about sex, coming of age, etc.
-impt. to name body parts because if you use a vague or incorrect term it implies there is something bad about it or can't be spoken of specifically
-talk to girls about getting their period earlier, not later!  it can help them be calm, proud, or excited instead of scared
-a "period party" is a special way to mark the time- give a care package, a fancy dinner, a shopping trip, something special like ear piercing, etc

"Does this spark joy?" Decluttering book by 30 yr old Japanese woman

I enjoyed reading a long article in the Wall Street Journal about a 30 year old (!) Japanese woman named Marie Kondo whose manifesto about tidying up and decluttering "has become a global phenomenon."  Real briefly, here are two main lessons I've already gained from reviewing the article.  I'm also planning to look at the book itself from the library.

-How to know if you can get rid of something? "Her essential question is, 'Does this spark joy?'"

-The number two point that I liked is that in order to facilitate the "transition" away from an old possession, you may say "thank you" to the item for it's service to you.  It could help you get rid of stuff.  "Thank you for being my best navy sweater for all these years, now it's time for you to serve someone else in some other way.  I will find a good replacement."

-I drew a parallel to the Jewish idea of chesbon ha'nefesh, a spiritual accounting.  A person literally goes through with paper and pencil and evaluates their progress in about a dozen major areas of personal development.  Just like we can get rid of possessions which are no longer serving us, so too should we discard character traits that are no longer doing us any good!  May Hakadosh Baruch Hu help us reach our goals!

key points from The Case for Make Believe by Susan Linn

The Case for Make Believe by Susan Linn

Boy, I’d be proud if I could say I wrote these amazingly strong messages about the value of play for children!  I am very glad I read this book so carefully.  It was fascinating and highly instructive!  I hope you find these topics as compelling as I do if you are taking care of kids!  And some of these bits of wisdom can be applied to adults as well.  I hope the highlights I listed below inspire thought and action and that you go check this book out from the library!

Notes from The Case for Make Believe by Susan Linn

·         Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood- aim is to mitigate the harmful effects of commercial culture on children

·         We need to prevent ourselves from raising a generation of children who are bored or anxious unless they are in front of a screen

·         2007 study found that children are active, not passive learners, acquiring knowledge by exploring their environment = play

·         Play flourishes in environment that is simultaneously safe and open to sponteous activity (Winnicott)

·         Just playing = “water to learn about the physical world and nature of materials” and other things that look like play but are very educational to the child

·         Using puppets in therapy to communicate with children:  each puppet can represent a different person or point of view, which can be a protected way to express unacceptable thoughts of feelings.

·         When children pretend to be attached by imaginary things, it gives them a chance to gain a sense of themselves as competent and to learn to cope with fear in smaller doses.

·         A review of 1000 studies over 30 years, a review concluded that “viewing entertainment violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes and behavior, particularly in children.”

·         “From the safety of ‘Once Upon a Time…’ dairy tales allow children enough distance to grapple safely with the most passionate of human emotions- grief, envy, fear, rage and joy.”

·         Violent punishments in fairy tales can be a springboard for talking about social justice issues with older children

·         Playing make-believe with children gives adults an opportunity to share new ideas and information, including those that counter prevailing sterotypes.

·         Phenomenons that coincide: Kids Growing Up Sooner AND Adults Staying Younger Longer!  (Children are taking longer to achieve real independence after college.)

·         “Developmental psychologists believe that children develop at their own rates, but that there’s no real shortcut through development stages.”

·         Middle Childhood (ages 6-12) is being eroded- First they are bombarded with toy marketing, then all the tech toys when younger, and then when older they are getting into inappropriate things sooner.

·         “The longer parents delay, the longer babies have a chance to develop the capacity to make things happen, to solve problems, to create their own amusements- to generate creative play.”

·         The skills children learn in play- critical thinking, initiative, curiosity, problem solving, and creativity, as well as more ephemeral qualities of self-reflection and empathy- are essential to thriving in and protecting a democratic society.”

·         …”These are in contrast to the values children learn from a commercially dominated media: unthinking brand loyalty, impulse buying, the notion that self-worth is defined by ownership, and a belief that consumption is the solution to all ills.”

·         Since the 1980s attention to the concern about “latchkey kids” we have come to the point where parents don’t think they have what it takes to raise kids without frequent use of screens.”

Book Review: Kids are Worth it! by Barbara Coloroso

Coloroso writes that there are three types of families: Jellyfish, Backbone, and Brick Wall.  Studying these family types through her book has been so enlightening.  To partially summarize the author's  parenting style, I would list: promotion of respect, structure, communication, and known expectations.  I found her book to be full of very positive ideas and helpful distinctions.  (Distinctions can be SOOO HELPFUL!!)

She has some very influential ideas about reward and punishment.  You will never look at those things, or praise vs. encouragement, the same way again!

A few key chapter headings:

-The triangle of Indlucen: Encouragement, Feedback and Discipline
-Three Alternatives to No and Other Plan Bs
-Settling Sibling Rivalry- some good ideas!
-The Big C and Three Rs: Chores, Relaxation, Recreation, and Rebellion
-Money Matters (Allowance)
-mealtime, bedtime, Toilet training, and teaching about sexuality

Ideas...

SIX CRITICAL LIFE MESSAGES:
I believe in you
I trust in you
I know you can handle this
You are listened to
You are cared for
You are very important to me
-Importance of parents nurturing themselves too :)

-try not to conclude conflicts with both parties losing
-Re-creating ourselves through play
-The importance of relaxation
-what are fair, reasonable contributions for family members to the household
-long car rides are a good time for conversations
-different age groups of children- including one I hadn't heard of before- the "Un" Age- unable to be a child, unable to be an adult (ages 12-15)
-celebrate puberty!  (that idea will make you look this book up, right?)

Book review

 If I Have to Tell You One More Time... : The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling by Amy McCready

This book is awesome.  It covers SO many of the most important parenting lessons I've read about everywhere else.

Toolbox Solutions for parents:
1 Mind, Body, and Soul Time- with kids
2 The Calm Voice - the power of mirroring!
3 Encouragement (not praise!)
4 Take Time for Training (teaching kids how to do things right)
5 Choices (gives the feeling of power)
6 Decide what you do (the parents-your reaction is the only thing you can truly control)
7 Control the environment (set up the environment for your kids to succeed)
8 When-Then (say it, fill in the blanks, and walk away! Be consistent.)
9 Make when-then routines the boss.  (The routine that makes things work for all different kinds of day)
10 Natural Consequences (Kid causes it) (requires 5 R's below so it works fairly and effectively)
-Respectful
-Related
-Reasonable
-Revealed in advance
-Repeat it back to you
11 Logical Consequences (similar to #10, but when #10 isn't available or practical or would take too long to play out.  For example: hitting)
12 Either-Or Consequences
13 Ignore Undue-Attention Requests
14 Attention Overload (fill up their "meter" before you really need good behavior)
15 Invite Cooperation (Respectful rather than demanding way to make request. Saves "face" for the kid) (Sometimes needs a follow-up tool such as When-Then
16 Withdraw from Conflict
17 Using "I Feel" Statements (I feel...when you....  I wish...)
18 Stay Out of Fights (siblings)
19 Teach Conflict Resolution Options
20 Helpful Parent Involvement (to intervene when necessary in a conflict.  Try the "sportscaster" narration role.
21 All in it Together.  (Everyone who is part of the fight has the same consequence.)
22-23 Basic Family Meeting

Start, Stop Continue
"3 Things I'd like to start:
3 Things I'd like to stop:
3 Things I'd like to continue:"

Your Brain on Childhood: The unexpected side effects of Classrooms, Ballparks, Family Rooms, and the Minivan
by Gabrielle Principe

(Summary Part 1 of 2)

If I Have to Tell You One More Time...The revolutionary program that gets your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling By Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc.

some awesome parenting books and advice to make you laugh, think, and smile!

Lately I’ve been reading a lot about parenting from different cultures, and also getting some really good advice from one of my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law!  If anyone has other good book suggestions, let me know!

-Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman: You can read my previous post with lots of concise and practical lessons learned.

-Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.  CRAZY book about how one Chinese-American woman sought to instill the values of hard work and success into her daughters.  I read this book in a really short time; it was fast and interesting reading.  Might be of special interest to those who are very interested in the extremely high end of classical musical instrument training for kids.  You will come to respect the success of many immigrants and people from other cultures, but you will also probably realize that some good old American “balance” is the way we like it!

-Run Like a Mother: How to Get Moving and Not Lose Your Family, Job, or Sanity by Sarah Bowen Shea and Dimity McDowell:  I actually read this hysterical book a while ago and couldn’t stop laughing.  If you‘re a runner or athlete type of mom, it’s a must-read!  

-Bonnie:  As I previously mentioned in my first post about sleep, Bonnie helped me with those ideas and also with general behavioral questions about toddlers.

-Simi:  Among her amazing contributions to my parenting strength and style are the following ideas:

Sleep post, #2

Update (a week or two later):
Toddler bed with specially chosen sheet set has overall been a success!  She's more than adorable sleeping in it and overall it really helped transform a spiraling situation of not sleeping in her room to a much, much better one.  Make a celebration out of it!  We still have to bring her back in sometimes if she tries to "escape" but more often it's just our usual stories, songs, reminders, and I-love-you's.
A few of the best tools from our toolbox:

Concise and useful parenting lessons from Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

I read a long and fascinating book about an American woman's experience raising her children in France.  I really recommend it for it's entertainment and cultural value!  I learned SO many useful ideas!

Below are terms that Bringing up Bebe uses.  I found sharing my favorite terms to be the best way to sum up a lot of the ideas in the book.  The terms don't cover the semi-magical way that French parents teach babies to sleep, and the terms also don't explain the general routine of family meals where children are expected to eat a variety of foods, not throw food, not leave the table frequently, etc.  To get those ideas, you'll have to read the book!  You'll laugh a ton also.

Attend- wait, stop.  Implies the child doesn’t require immediate gratification, and that he can entertain himself.

Autonomie- the blend of independence and self-reliance that French parents encourage in their children from an early age

Betise- a small act of naughtiness.  Labeling an offense a mere betise helps parents respond to it with moderation.

Great books for parents

Just a Few Great Books I've Read on Parenting

Sleep books by Kim West, the Sleep Lady
Bringing up Bebe (about the French view of parenting and family)
The Toddler Busy Book (phenomenal resource of ideas)

Storytime is where.it's.at.

Recommended Toddler Storytimes in St. Louis

My most highly rated ones are the top three for quality of librarian/reader presentation

St. Louis County Library- Midcounty/Clayton branch-10am Wednesdays

Brodsky Jewish Community Library-9:30am first Friday of the month

St. Louis Public Library-University City/Delmar branch- check their website in the fall for next season's time

Missouri History Museum- check their website for many amazing kids, family, and homeschooling programs
Magic House- check their website; they have a great storytime during visitor hours
Jewish Mommy and Me- contact me to learn more about a group in U. City, 9:45am Wednesdays

Why do I love storytime for toddlers?
It is a high quality activity you can do with your little one that teaches them appreciation for reading and how to behave as part of a group when they are too young to be in school.

Please contact me if you wish to be included in the start-up of our Storytime b'Ivrit!  (Hebrew language storytime.)  We are starting this summer and looking for a core group of interested parents.

My Parenting Ideas: Games, fun, and things to do with toddlers!

Great games to play, fun toys, & things to do - My great big list (and please submit your comments!)

Toddler gymnastics- rolls, body shapes, stretching, balance, etc
Build things with blocks (tower, zoo, house…)

Art!  Crayons, markers, scissors, coloring books

Music: parade, band, with or without a CD

Farm house-small model toys

Felt boards you can make or buy- tell stories or play make believe scenarios

Look at photo albums together- or make one!