Why I Fasted- A letter to my kids

Dear Adira and Nesya,
Yesterday was Tisha B'Av.  I was able to fast for 24 hours of the 25 hours.  I had the experience similar to many other mothers- and it had nothing to do with hearing kinnos or Eicha in shul.  I didn't go to watch the communal video screenings, lectures, etc.  (I would have liked that but it wasn't possible this year.) I did immerse myself for most of the day in either learning and reading about the day, or teaching about it to the children of the next generation- YOU!

I felt surprisingly good during the fast (while being mostly horizontal!) all the way til about 7pm. I lasted a little longer until I suddenly felt more of a decline, probably due to general dehydration (even while resting) from nursing.  I broke my fast and waiting for my strength to return.  Toward the end of my fast, I didn't mind you seeing me "weak."  I want you to know it's OK to feel weak.  And I knew you would also realize that it was strength that allowed me to go that far.  I wanted you to see me weak and strong simultaneously, because that's often what it is.  A mixture of feelings.  That's also what our nation feels at times- both weak and strong at the same time.
I don't want to forget to mention how helpful you girls were.  Especially Adira, who was awake during my last hour as I started to feel unable to continue fasting.

My tools:
I was able to fast while nursing David numerous times throughout the day by resting most of the day. But the other tool I used my attitude.  I want you to know that that is how many important things are possible- a strong, positive attitude!  I believe that if you approach something with an "I can do that!" attitude, you have a pretty good chance of succeeding.  (I'm sure research has been done and found that to be true!)  If Hashem gives us a commandment, it means it is within our ability to do it- it is not impossible.  The sages (rabbis) knew that women are STRONG.  Even in today's generation, we are pretty strong!  Even while nursing a child we can fast!  If I wasn't nursing, perhaps I would have been able to be active.  Daddy and many other people who are healthy enough are able to be quite active while fasting.

Getting through the day and making it meaningful with the kids:
Even while nursing, I was able to sufficiently take care of the kids and home until around bedtime on 9 Av.  I did it through a combination of planning (preparing meals and activities) and employing mother's helpers (Meital and Bracha.)  We also had a great long playdate with Nesya R. and later with Tzipora.  Before the helpers came, we read some pages about what Tisha B'Av is all about.  With the mother's helpers, you did a kotel project where you designed a kotel and wrote some of your best mitzvas on it.  You also colored Kamtza and Bat Kamtza puppets and we told the story.  Then we talked about a scenario like that story but used real people to make it sound like something that really could have happened.

Thoughts about the day:
This year I didn't get to read the actual kinnos, because I mistakenly could not locate the siddur with them, although I did listen to a number of short lectures and read a lot of articles.  My reflections on the day don't encompass the experience of a typical community observance, but a "Mommy's 9 Av."
Tisha B'Av is a day of SO much potential.  It's a day to flex our compassionate muscles and stretch ourselves to think about the losses our nation has experienced.  It can be hard to feel compassionate for something that feels like the "other" because we weren't there at the destruction of the temples and the other calamities that have fallen on 9 Av throughout history.  But that's the very reason we have to try. Because it's so important to have empathy.  One million Jews died, our whole nation was exiled from the Holy Land, and the beautiful dwelling place for G-d that existed was desecrated and burned.  Even though living in exile can sometimes even feel so comfortable that we don't really wish to change it, it's because we do not even know what we are missing.  So every year, take at least one day to immerse yourself in the history of our people. Mourn for the actual pain and suffering, the loss that really happened.  A whole entire people, made homeless.  Take yourself on an imaginary trip to Jerusalem in those days.  And come out of it being sensitive to weakness, stronger in your confidence, and more compassionate to suffering.  I think it's really worthwhile.

I hope the rest of 9 Avs we share together will be very meaningful and reflective, and that soon, there will be no more days of sorrow, only joy and shivat Tzion, a return to Zion.
Love, Mommy

Tisha B'Av 2017 - new crafts, videos and ideas

Last year's post gives a bunch of play and craft ideas including link to cute printable puppets from BirkatChaverim.com

New craft ideas: I am definitely getting some of these in advance of next 9 Av!
http://www.kosherkrafts.com/27-tisha-b-av

Animated videos of the story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza: (all between 5-10 min.)
#1 (best narration of animated videos I watched, great commentary, a little more adult style, but very well done, and not overly graphic, beyond the unfortunate mistakes that are part of the story and have to be explained to kids anyway)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9LUV7rSfpc

#2: From the great new-ish site AlephBeta, which has tons of high quality webinars, videos, etc https://www.alephbeta.org/course/lecture/tisha-bav-2014-lecture-2/autoplay

#3: (From BimBam, not impressed with a couple details of it, but 99% recommended)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6t3Zm7nMTg

Video list for older kids:

pre-teens or teens (because basically all of them have Holocaust content, not sure at what age/maturity that is OK.)

http://www.betweencarpools.com/what-to-watch-on-tisha-bav/

New 9 Av activity ideas
My favorite ideas from an article about camp activities for 9 Av (first two can be adapted to home, last few are just really good connections that may spur future activity ideas for older kids/at home.)

Rabbi #2: I remember during one summer at Camp Ramah in New England, we took the youngest campers, too young to really understand some of the themes of Tisha B’Av, down to the “waterfall” just outside the front gate of camp, on the river, and we talked about what it means to be separated from one’s home. We blindfolded them and walked them around in circles a bit so that they didn’t know where they were or how close they were to camp. It led to quite a good discussion and maybe helped them understand what it means to be “exiled.”

Use charcoal—literally burned wood from fires earlier in the summer— on paper, to depict challenging moments from their lives

Focus on the rabbinic idea that the Temple was destroyed because of sinat chinam [senseless hatred] and on Rav Kook’s complementary idea that the Temple would only be rebuilt because of ahavat chinam [senseless love]. Last year our program began with a focus on bullying—modern kids’ experience of senseless hatred. Several older campers volunteered to share personal narratives of being bullied. You could have heard a pin drop as they spoke. Then, the drama chug [activity] performed the story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza, which defines senseless hatred, and then the idea of ahavat chinam. Then each cabin received a large wooden panel that had part of the cityscape of Jerusalem outlined on most of it, and a blank space on the bottom. The kids were asked first to each write down on a piece of paper an act of senseless love that they were committed to doing over the course of the holiday. Then they broke into two groups, the painters and the poets. The painters painted the cityscape. The poets wrote six-word poems on senseless love. When it was completed, the whole camp gathered in the amphitheater and, as we sang Yerushalayim shel Zahav, we lifted the 27 panels one by one—no one knew that they all fit together to form one large mural until this point—and literally rebuilt Jerusalem on the foundation of kindness.

Jewish Organizational Leader #1: There were a number of summers at Camp Stone where we cleaned up cemeteries after having learned about the people and community that used to thrive near our camps. 

At Camp Modin, the evening before Tisha B’Av we have a beautiful ceremony where the entire floor of the huge rec center is filled with styrofoam cups, with small tapers nailed to the bottom, in the shape of a Jewish star. The campers file in from the lawn and 400 kids sit around the star. The lights are off, and the older campers do a program that has everything from historical quotes from Anne Frank to facts about the Holocaust and other tragedies throughout Jewish history. We take them through a journey and sing Eli Eli, and Gesher Tzar M’od and Oseh Shalom and other songs of peace. Even the little kids feel a sense of awe. 

girl-power-positive programming about fasting. We had the girls talk in small, facilitated groups about why they were fasting. No shock: Tisha B’Av and Jerusalem were not on the top of the list; it was a day of trying to look better. We then looked through magazines and asked the girls to share the messages they were getting (you need longer eyelashes, here are the top 10 ways to a skinnier you …). Then we challenged them to find or create positive body images. It became somewhat of a collage, cutting and pasting words and images, adding in a “don’t” in some places, to change the negativity into something positive. We concluded with a discussion about healthy choices—eating, exercising, relating to friends—so that we were “rebuilding” the Temple: the temple of our souls, of our bodies. (think of the verse- Bilvavi mishkan evneh-  in my heart i will build a sanctuary- sanctity of our bodies)

Turns out I'm a "solopreneur!"

My friend Rachel Lubchansky (RELimpact.com) who moved from St. Louis to Denver started her own business coaching agency.  She created her brand, website, services, support materials, and an "Impact Insiders" group on Facebook.  I joined it mostly because I wanted to support her work, not because I thought I wanted to use a lot of her services.  But I did enter her giveaway for some of her business crafting services, and I WON!  Yay!! Hmm...last thing I won was a few hot kosher pizzas after a women's night out event!  I'm just moving on up it seems. ;)

For the Impact Insiders group, I wrote this intro, when prompted.  It was a good chance to crystallize some aspects of my "identity."

Hi everyone! I'm a solopreneur who has done a variety of different small "businesses" that are related to my passions and lifestyle. My professional background is in education and school sports management. I'm currently a SAHM (or maybe that's WAHM) with a baby and two girls under 7. I'm "my kids' mom and my husband's girlfriend-" i.e., I try to meet or exceed my family obligations/blessings while also pursing a lot of personal interests. In my years at home with my kids while they are young, I've spent a lot of time as a Hebrew language tutor, Judaics teacher, sewing teacher, basketball coach, garden building coach, and home-based camp director. I also LOVE being a community volunteer (on boards, events) and creating amazing indoor and outdoor play spaces. My passions overlap and cycle through priority level based on the season. Long term I plan to go back into teaching. Meanwhile, I'm trying to be ready to deliver "the goods" on the variety of things I love doing, when an opportunity arises. One of my challenges is continually wanting to do many different fulfilling activities and responsibilities, believing in the urgency of all at once! I know Rachel will help me distill out my mission, vision, etc!

To say more about my professional goals, and to entertain you, here are some completely 100% serious things I would do with my life if I had a few additional lives to live: be a playground designer, work for the CIA, be a doctor, go to school for like 20 more years...

I did get to help design the Epstein Hebrew Academy preschool playground last summer, so CHECK that one!  It was a small dream come true.  I like to recall how my mom helped design a new playground for our school in Oregon, Hiteon Elementary.  Can't think of a cooler job!

Here are a few of my latest "creations."  Click to view fliers in Google Drive in a new window.

(copy + paste bc blog links don't seem to be working...)
St. Louis Girls Basketball Club 
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B0-3JnX4tvg5SWFtbzlvam5nbFE

Garden Coach
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B0-3JnX4tvg5OGpYYzgteVRQT3M

Our sweet David!

I want to write a post for our precious little prince, our son David Refael.  I haven't been keeping a paper journal for him, but I will add this to his special mementos collection... below I will write about his baby months so far, what he is like as a baby, and what kind of impact he has had on our family.

David has brought so much love and affection into the world!  He is the apple of our eyes, the center of our family!  Everyone in our family adores him in an overflowing amount!  He has captured the hearts of many of his sisters' friends.  He has a few special friends from the bigger kids group- cousin Avi, Leon, and Tzipora.  They treat him with such love. He really looks like a combination of both his sisters, and sometimes I look at him and think I see my brother Joe's resemblance too.

The Secrets of Happy Families- Book review, by Bruce Feiler

Bruce Feiler scours the worlds of business, psychology, sports, the military, interior design, finances, and more to find the best practices that can be applied to families, too.  Everything he wrote about is backed up by recent research from multiple fields (which I am not citing.)  I highly recommend this book- it was entertaining to read (partly because written by a man!) and really full of helpful ideas.  Every so often I think it's good to refresh our ideas about family management, and not just go on autopilot.  It also reminds me to look back at my book review posts from the past few years and remember and put back into re-use the highlights!

Practices of agile families- based on successful business practices
Self directed morning check-list
why?
-kids find it comforting on groggy mornings to be able to go through the list of what they need to do
-parents can focus on the "softer side of parenting"
-teaches kids to be responsible and get the complete job done
-kids learn and enjoy the satisfaction of checking off the list
View our lists with words and clip art for non-readers on google drive (new window:)

Family meetings
-why?  because it's a built in mechanism for communication and reflection
-start with a drumroll or something else fun
-sitting on soft surfaces, in a circle formation, eating from same meal, and holding warm drinks are proven to make people act more kindly, cooperate like a team, and find their commonalities
-allows a time that kids know "tough subjects" may be brought up in a safe environment to discuss them.  i.e., not a crazy idea to sit down and talk to parents
-three questions to discuss
1) what things went well in our family this week?
2) what things could we improve in our family?
3) what things do we want to work on this week?

Miscellaneous:
-Go fast, but don't rush!
-to maximize sibling relationships and minimize conflict, have kids spend time beforehand engaged in a joint activity that reaffirms their connection
-most people have either a great family or a great career, and the other one is average.  The only way to have both be awesome is to apply the same level of passion and energy to your family as you do to your work.  Avoid that assymetry! (p.52.)
-synergize: build family unity while celebrating differences
-scientific studies show a persistent correlation between religiosity and happy families, and men with community religious participation as good, involved fathers and happy husbands.
-sitting at right angles is good for conversation,
-chores = "taking care of your awesome stuff"
-playing games together is a way to experience a common thing, when otherwise, kids and adults live in different kinds of mental worlds (online recs - Zynga, words with friends, cityville and farmville)
-try making an "Amazing Race" for a family vacation- creates teamwork
-"you're the kind of person who...(gets up and tries again.)" etc., from sports chapter, p.225. positive reinforcement builds self-esteem
-family boot camp- p.246. wow- forging a closer bond through crazy overnight missions!

Family dinners
-more about the family, less about the dinner (can be breakfast, or just a couple sacred times a week)
-kids knowing about their family history was the single best predictor of children's emotional health and happiness
-this makes a case for telling family history- stories and photo albums ;-) ;-) ;-) !!!
-the message is that a person with a strong "intergenerational self," who is connected to something bigger than themselves, is more resilient.  The family message is "we've had our ups and downs, but we've always stuck together and stuck it out."
-making really memorable family traditions strongly develops connectedness.
-lots of talking and listening.
-"hunger games:" playing word and talking games at the table.  word of the day (use it in a sentence), autobiographical story telling, alliteration, Q&A, etc.

Branding your family- family mission statements
-"the family brand is a clear, articulate vision of what we want our family to be and what values we want our children to uphold."  can be brief or detailed.
-80 words to help you describe your family identity (p. 66)
-create home environment where kids know exactly what is expected of them
-use a visualization exercise where a person narrates to themselves a description of their "best possible selves."  Research shows this is even more powerful than gratitude exercises.
-gives clarity and framework for dealing with life- because sometimes life comes at you in challenging, unexpected ways.

Five step process for fighting smart:
-isolate your emotions
-observe the bigger picture (go to the balcony)
-consider the other side's perspective
-don't reject, rather, reframe
-build them a golden bridge

teaching kids to manage money
-the chapter had lots of good options to consider from families who do give allowance, do not give allowance, pay for chores, do not pay for chores, encourage investment and savings through artificially high interest rates at the Bank of Mom and Dad, those who do not, etc.
-FamZoo is an awesome family money management website/app the author recommended
-most impact made when someone would have to give back a "gift" i.e.: you want Joey to make his bed.  You pay him $2 a week but if he doesn't make his bed he has to give it back.  That seems to be more powerful (based on studies) than rewarding him for making his bed, or delivering a negative consequence.
-money categories: mine, ours (family fun), share, save

Talking about tough stuff with kids
-if you talk about the little problems now, you can talk about the big problems later
-see chapter 7, the mom who made a huge, public, celebratory identity for herself as being the one all the kids could talk to about sex, coming of age, etc.
-impt. to name body parts because if you use a vague or incorrect term it implies there is something bad about it or can't be spoken of specifically
-talk to girls about getting their period earlier, not later!  it can help them be calm, proud, or excited instead of scared
-a "period party" is a special way to mark the time- give a care package, a fancy dinner, a shopping trip, something special like ear piercing, etc

9 Av with Kids ... 2016 edition

Once again we find ourselves in a broken world this year when the sad weeks roll around on the Jewish calendar.  May this be the LAST one!

When this sad day comes, I like finding ways to make 9 Av meaningful with our kids.  Usually our activities include (or newly include this year):

1) making an "Unconditional Love Will Rebuild the World" - "Ahavat chinam yiboneh et ha olam" poster- this year it will be especially working on the kids' "sisters" relationship.  We're really trying to encourage the kids to treat each other like friends, not rivals.  We frequently say, "that's not how friends treat each other" to help remind them how to play nicely.  We also say, "your sister is the friend that Hashem gave you in your family!  She can be your friend forever."  (That was a digression, but for a worthwhile cause...)

2) This year I thought of doing a short skit of the Kamtza/Bar Kamtza story, and they will either dress up for the skit or use these popsicle stick puppets:
http://birkatchaverim.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/kamtzapuppets.pdf

3) Here are a few videos that I found new this year for kids- there are probably more.  There are certainly tons for adults.
http://www.g-dcast.com/yavneh/#
not really for kids but has cute graphics: https://www.alephbeta.org/course/lecture/tisha-bav-2014-lecture-1

4)  An idea from Mishpacha magazine: Make hands and hearts bracelets.  Holding hands and hearts together, we’ll bring the Beis Hamikdash!

5)  We videotaped the girls and their friend doing an "Ahavat Chinam, Sinat Chinam Theatre" where they put on my hats or scarves for basic costumes and made up their own scenes of kind acts or nasty acts.  The audience (my sister, "Doda Marie" and I) had to guess what they were doing.  They got to watch the video of themselves while they colored the puppets/poster.

Here's an article on Ahavat Chinam- "free love," if you will:
https://www.ou.org/life/inspiration/loving-without-reserve-in-the-nine-days/

Unconditional love will rebuild the world

2015-2016 teaching update

This year I had the opportunity to cover several two-month long maternity leaves at Torah Prep Girls School.  I grew so much as a teacher and really enjoyed the different subjects and students.  I taught 4th grade Judaic Studies, 3rd grade general studies, and middle school language arts.  

3rd grade:

Some of my most memorable lesson innovations came in third grade social studies.  I thought it would be fun for the students to do an activity mimicking international trade when their social studies book covered that subject.  Each pair of students represented one country, with one primary export (for example, Bolivia - beans.)  They arranged desks in a circle, made signs for their country and primary export, and also for what they wanted to import.  We used the board game "Cholent" with it's recipe ingredient cards so everyone could trade to make cholent according to their recipe.  Then we made a flow chart about the step-by-step process of making cholent, from obtaining the ingredients all the way to cleaning up when it's done.                                                                                                 

Our best curricular project was for the social studies unit on economics.  We made a real assembly line, learned about specialized workers in factories, teamwork, efficiency, material and human resources, and supply and demand.  

Once the girls mastered those concepts through making an assembly line for paper pinwheels, they planned their bigger project.  It was to make Purim greeting cards and Thank You cards, sell them, and with the proceeds, buy new books for the classroom library.  This project involved elegantly written persuasive letters to the principal to donate paper copies (written in cursive penmanship,) business math, new creative skills, and a lot of teamwork.  The girls thought they'd be able to purchase about four new books with the money they earned, but I was able to get them SEVENTEEN!!!!  I hope they won't soon forget how gratifying (and multidisciplinary!) this project was.

The girls had a nice party for me after my last teaching day with the help of their Judaics co-teacher.  They performed a skit based on something we learned, read a poem/song that they wrote in an acrostic of "Mrs. Friedman," and gave me a copy of that poem in a frame.  How sweet!  I presented them with the books I purchased with their raised money, and a game card from the beloved multiplication/division game I introduced them to, "24."

One last favorite notable thing I did with third grade (besides read them the BEST "lost" Dr. Seuss stories) was help teach their "science buddies" class on Simple Machines.  I found a great Sesame Street video which inspired a lot of kids to go home and make their own kinetic art/chain reaction contraption/simple machines at home.  I was really proud of myself for finding a way to extend the short times of those lessons by making it so interesting that they did it for fun at home on the weekends!

Middle school: 

I loved getting to know these older girls.  I thought of numerous thought-provoking journal prompts, helped them understand difficult literature and poetry. worked one on one with all of them to improve their writing, one project or assignment at a time.  With the 8th grade, I got to read Island of the Blue Dolphins with them.  It was a book I really enjoyed when I was younger and still had a 20-year old copy!

Below, a student is presenting her famous person "character in a bag" project about Eleanor Roosevelt. 

Back in the fall, when I taught 4th grade Judaic Studies, I was thrilled to think of a gardening related project when we studied Sefer Yehoshua (the prophet Joshua.)  In ch. 2, when the spies go into Jericho, there is a good description of Rachav's inn in the wall, with the rope hanging out the window with the notifying red thread.  The spies hid in flax on the roof.  So what did we do?  You will understand from the picture below, and oh, was it fun to make these... we made paper "rock walls" to be laminated and wrapped around cleaned out peanut butter jars, and each wall had all the things we read about in the chapter.  Then we cut out little men (the spies) from foam paper and added googly eyes.  Then we filled the containers with soil and planted flax in them!  That way the little spies could hide in there when the king's army came looking for the traitors.  (And they wouldn't get soaked from watering because they were made of foam.) It was super cute and the flax grew very tall!

We also did a great skit from the same unit.

Here's hoping I'll have lots more good experiences subbing and teaching ;o)

Jewish source quotes about trees, gardening, etc.

Quotations from Jewish Sources about Trees

1. And God said: “Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree that has seed-yielding fruit — to you it shall be for food.” (Genesis 1:29)

2. In the hour when the Holy one, blessed be He, created the first person, He showed him the trees in the Garden of Eden, and said to him: “See My works, how fine they are; Now all that I have created, I created for your benefit. Think upon this and do not corrupt and destroy My world, For if you destroy it, there is no one to restore it after you.” (Ecclesiastes Rabbah 7:28)

3. When you shall besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, you shall not destroy (lo tashchit) the trees thereof by wielding an ax against them; for you may eat of them, but you must not cut the down; for is the tree of the field a man, that it should be besieged by you? Only the trees of which you know that they are not trees for food, them you may destroy and cut down, that you may build bulwarks against the city that makes war with you, until it fall. (Deuteronomy 20:19, 20)

Mom's 5th Yartzheit - thoughts on striving and success as a parent

Tonight begins my mom's fifth yartzheit -October 7, 2015/ Tishrei 25, 5766. As with every day, I think of my mom so much.  We wish she could have been with us for so much longer.  She was so beloved.  She left us with such a legacy for living, even while dying from a nasty disease, illustrated in one memorable way by giving the entire family gifts from the "Life is Good" brand during her last Chanukah season.  Tonight, when Adira saw the yartzheit candle, she said, "Oh, Grandma, I love you so much!"  That makes me happy that I have spoken about her enough and so positively that she feels like saying that. (See this page on my blog for the "Lesson from Mom" bookmark, and this inspirational, cute, sometimes funny, somewhat cheesy and haphazardly completed video version of it, both links open on new pages.)  

If you are blessed to be a mother, and have learned from your own mother, just appreciate for a moment the incredible balance and effort it takes for a mother to give exactly what her child needs and wants.  If you look back over time, and can say that you are proud of your mother, consider yourself so fortunate.  Every day with a family takes effort and planning (and forgiveness when we fail) to try to live our dreams and be the person and parent we really want to be.  If your mother gave her balanced love and support to you, or at least according to your best recollection she did pretty well, be grateful. It isn’t easy for some of us (author included!) to do it, but we are striving!  If at some point in your life, earlier or later, young or mature, you felt that you just couldn’t get enough of your mom, be thankful!  That’s a wonderful feeling to have and you are blessed. 

I think that my kids can’t get enough of me- at least when they are aware of their desire to connect through joy and love or through neediness.  That inspires me to keep trying to be the best mom I can be, to give them the life gift of stable, emotional, and practical support that they crave.  (Someone please remind me of that about five times every day, please!)  I really want that close connection to endure and guide us through the ages and stages ahead.  I want my girls to come talk to me and for us to share a great loving connection.  I think about the ways in which my mom supported us, her kids, as long as she lived.  We all just loved the sound of her voice, the feel of her arm around our shoulder, the texture of her hands which worked hard both inside and outside.  She would quietly come up to our rooms and offer a listening ear or helpful advice when we were troubled.  She was such a genuine, kind, fair, and generous person; I would be surprised if she left any enemies behind, ever!  She taught us so many lessons of derech eretz (proper ways of living*) and Torah.  She was gentle, patient, tolerant, and rarely judged others.  She was equally at ease with toddlers, adults, and the elderly.  She might have some wry comment to make that would show her "normal" side but it was always still respectful.  She could never contain her joy, frequently laughing and coming to tears, but did try to keep her suffering from cancer to herself to spare her loving survivors.  I think she did an excellent job as a parent, and she certainly left me wanting more of her, wanting her life to last many more decades overlapping with mine.  But I’m thankful that I had a such a reliable mother, for whatever length G-d gave her, because not everyone has that blessing.

On my mom’s yartzheit, I wish for all of us parents this blessing: may we be granted extra siyata dish’maya (heavenly assistance) to fulfill our dreams, parent according to our ideals, help fill our kids’ buckets of self-esteem, and properly prepare them for succeeding and dealing with the many facets of life.  In other words, help us find our superhero capes!  And may those magical capes of our strong, positive, resilient thoughts help us get through our own ups and downs and keep believing in our potential to be increasingly greater.

*I should have asked for a pardon and foregiveness in advance, because my mom would not have approved of referring to one's parents as "she" and "he."  Mom was very good at teaching proper etiquette and respect for parents!  It may seem almost impossible, but that was the level of proper etiquette she hoped we could attain.  (There I go again with "she!" Well, we can't all be perfect... :) )

side bar:

For the many of you who have enjoyed your copy of the "Mom-mark" that I made after she passed, here's a twin-set of something I did not include but thought would be great to add!  "Get organized and keep good records, but allow yourself a few small places for junk and favorite treasures!"

Mom was famous (at least within our family) for the great packing lists she had for camping trips (with notes of what worked and failed), the great family tree histories she completed, being a great secretary of gifts received (for TY note writing purposes), and more.  She was extremely organized, but made it look easy (because it most likely made life easier to be organized, as I find for myself!)  She had a "junk drawer" in the kitchen full of random items for downstairs use.  She also had a long dresser in her bedroom (now it's in mine!) beautifully arranged with artifacts from her four decades of travels, kids' school projects, and little treasures, and a place in some of the drawers for special things.

The beginning of a milestone school year & parenting transitions

As of last week, both of our kids are in school full day!  They are doing great!

The full school day schedule is intended to enable me to re-launch my teaching career and be available to work- first as a substitute in public and private schools, and later as a specialized and certified full teacher.  Until that process accelerates, I am catching up on procrastinated projects around the house and working on a very exciting Tot Shabbat program for NHBZ Congregation, which I will lead three times over the Tishrei holidays and monthly thereafter.  Working on the program has given me the chance to appreciate all that I can contribute to the community at large, which would be a bit more dormant during kids-at-home times.  It's nice to return to developing my professional self for more time each day, but it's with mixed feelings, as I miss all the kid time!

This change of schedule is a big deal!  I am used to have Adira home from 12pm onwards every school day, and Nesya home every day!  I definitely miss them a lot when they are at school longer.  I was their primary influence for the last three years and five and a a half years, respectively, and now they are being entrusted to their morahs and teachers.

Now, I am acknowledging my feelings of missing them during the long day, but also looking at it from a new perspective.  I am able to get so much done without as many snack and meal times, squabble-resolving, and kids' activities.  It's quite grand!  The time is passing fairly quickly as I have enough to do for now.  And I'm really excited about going back into work, and I hope that picks up very soon.

One new and important perspective is that I am trying to be the kind of mother they will long to "be like" when they are older, the way I feel about my mom's legacy.  I think about her so much and try to emulate her qualities.  I have finally come to truly understand now how the relationship with one's parents really sets the tone for one's connection with the Almighty.  It's still hard to articulate, but I will figure that out and share more later

A fantastic summer part 2- St. Louis & Colorado

I treasured every minute (I think!) of the summer with our little sweeties, because when school comes around, they will both be going.  Here's a little photo essay of some of our precious memories.  (Make sure to click "read more" to see the rest of the pics, including our garden produce!)
We are so thankful for all these blessings.

Fun times in the backyard is pretty much the main thing about summer!

we babysat little Yitzy for about 4 months from February to May.  

He was a sweet little addition to our fun family group!

Awesome dollies- gifts from Daddy

a beautiful tree @ Alanson/Balson

A fantastic summer part 1- Washington DC

The summer of 2015 was fantastic.  Part 1: I drove the girls to Washington, D.C. to visit a large collection of very special family and friends.  (Yes, we drove!  Slept overnight on the way.  Gas cost about $150 and yeah, that was worth it!  The drive and trip went super well, thank G-d.)

We saw Dod (Uncle) Joe, Uncle Michael and Aunt Deb (before Max was born!), and Auntie Jenn + her family. We also had important reunion get-togethers with infrequently seen relatives Caroline, David and Debbie, and Jennifer S.  Grandpa/Dad came out also while we were there and joined us for the "Joe portion" of our trip.  Daddy was unable to join us on this trip but is going back with Adira for this weekend to visit new nephew Max.

MLK Jr quotes that speak volumes

Pandas at National Zoo

Joe, the music instructor and loving uncle

http://www.rootsofaction.com/screen-time-for-kids/

Managing Screen Time Increases Family Joy

by Rachel Macy Stafford

SOCIABILITY

My favorite group to speak to about reducing screen time and living a more present and joy-filled life is school-age children. When I tell my eager listeners that the purpose of my book, Hands Free Life, is to show people how to turn away from the daily distractions of screen time and turn toward our loved ones, something happens. Small hands shoot straight up in the air and earnest voices beg to share their stories.

“My mom’s phone is the most important thing.”

“My dad never stops working.”

“My mom texts and drives.”

“My dad forgets to say ‘goodbye’ when I get out of the car because of his calls.”

“My parents are so busy. They forget about me.”

It is no secret that parents’ own screen time is being noticed, and in some cases, causing feelings of rejection, anger, and loneliness within the hearts of loved ones. I know first-hand how painful it is to realize how devices, to-do lists, and increased screen time have taken precedence over meaningful conversation and memorable experiences. Yet in my efforts to transform my distracted life, I realized something equally important to what I was missing. I realized that my children’s chance at living a present, joy-filled life in a distracted world begins with me and my own ability to manage screen time.

The Power of Modeling

Through our modeling of healthy technology use, children can learn there is a time and place for our devices. On the flip side, if we constantly have a device in our hand or our face in a screen, children will learn that the device takes priority over humans and real life experiences. Our children’s tech use and screen time is likely to resemble our own—what we do with our device at the dinner table, while driving, or while waiting at a restaurant is likely what they will do.

One of my most effective strategies for reducing screen time and maintaining healthy boundaries between real life and technology is to envision what will make my children feel fulfilled in the future. And it comes down to this:

If I want my children to be awed by sunsets in the future, I must take time to be awed by sights in nature now.

If I want my children to relish in the joys of a screen-free Saturday, I must express joy in going off the grid.

If I want my children to experience the freedom that comes from open blue skies and crunchy leaves underfoot, I must partake in such freedoms myself.

If I want my children to look straight into the eyes of those who speak to them, I must look into their eyes and listen to their words.

It is my ultimate hope that my children yearn to experience all life has to offer with open hands, an open heart, and attentive eyes. This means doing what I can to be a positive example as they grow. It means modeling healthy screen time usage.

6 Small Changes in Screen Time
Have Big Impacts

A great article found on Aha! Parenting: 5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child

A great article found on Aha! Parenting

5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child

Intimacy is the glue that holds families together. It's what connects us over the years, and across the miles. It's what gets us through the hard times. It's the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life, and the honey that makes it all worth it.

Intimacy is hard to define, but we all know when we're feeling it. Whether it's crying on your best friend's shoulder after a tragedy or snuggling in companionable silence with your spouse in front of the fire, intimacy is when we feel connected.

How we humans build connections with each other, how we deepen them, and how we repair them when they fray is both as simple as a warm smile and as mysterious as the way the ground lurches when we see a picture of someone we have loved and lost.

John Gottman, one of my favorite researchers, has distilled the creating of intimate relationships down to their practical essence. It turns out that the building blocks of connection are the small overtures we make to each other every day, and the way our loved ones respond. Gottman calls these bids, as in "bids for attention." We could also call them overtures, as in opening movements.

In happy relationships, whether between spouses, parents and children, friends, or coworkers, bids are made and responded to warmly. It almost doesn't matter what the bid is about; the process of reaching out and receiving a response builds the relationship. It also increases the trust level so that we are more likely to reach out to that person again, and the content of the bids deepens.

If we begin with "What a beautiful morning!" and receive an enthusiastic agreement, we may go further and ask our spouse for help in solving a problem that's bothering us. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or greeted with sarcasm, we are unlikely to make ourselves vulnerable in any way, and the relationship loses a chance to deepen.

The same process is enacted with our children in hundreds of daily interactions. If we ask our middle schooler about the upcoming school dance and receive an engaged response, we might venture further and ask whether she's nervous. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or her response is surly, most of us will back off.

So how can you create a more intimate family?

1. Start by paying attention to the "bids" that go on.

What is the tone in your family? Responsive and warm? Distracted and ignoring? Hostile and sarcastic? Does anyone get ignored? Does anyone usually ignore others?

2. Focus on responding positively to your family's bids to you.

It takes real self-discipline to tear yourself away from your screen to answer a child's question, but how you respond to her overture is crucial in building closeness. More important than what you initiate with her later, when you try to get her to tell you about what happened at school today. To support yourself, make it a practice to turn off your screens when you're with your child.

3. If you don't get the response you want to your overtures to your kids, step back and watch how you initiate.

Are you inviting a positive response?

4. If you make an overture and are greeted with something hurtful -- disdain, sarcasm, or blankness -- try not to respond with anger. Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt.

Say "Ouch!" and turn away (before you give in to the temptation to lash out.) Your son or daughter (or spouse!) will almost certainly feel badly about having hurt you, especially since you haven't aroused their ire by attacking back. Later, when you aren't hurt and angry, you can tell them how it made you feel to get that response. Try to talk only about your feelings, not about them being wrong.

Intimacy is a dance. It deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have. The good news is that every interaction you have is a chance to shift onto a positive track and deepen your connection to your loved ones.

"Does this spark joy?" Decluttering book by 30 yr old Japanese woman

I enjoyed reading a long article in the Wall Street Journal about a 30 year old (!) Japanese woman named Marie Kondo whose manifesto about tidying up and decluttering "has become a global phenomenon."  Real briefly, here are two main lessons I've already gained from reviewing the article.  I'm also planning to look at the book itself from the library.

-How to know if you can get rid of something? "Her essential question is, 'Does this spark joy?'"

-The number two point that I liked is that in order to facilitate the "transition" away from an old possession, you may say "thank you" to the item for it's service to you.  It could help you get rid of stuff.  "Thank you for being my best navy sweater for all these years, now it's time for you to serve someone else in some other way.  I will find a good replacement."

-I drew a parallel to the Jewish idea of chesbon ha'nefesh, a spiritual accounting.  A person literally goes through with paper and pencil and evaluates their progress in about a dozen major areas of personal development.  Just like we can get rid of possessions which are no longer serving us, so too should we discard character traits that are no longer doing us any good!  May Hakadosh Baruch Hu help us reach our goals!