Bonanza of Blessings- time to share the blog!

Dear friends,
I have enjoyed adding things to my blog for my own sake- recording the lessons I've learned and good ideas I've come across.  I think it's time to make these things more available to the broader sphere of people who might benefit from my experience- not that it's so special, but since I'm going to the effort of recording it, maybe some internet-lovers out there will gain from reading about it!

Drumroll please....
I'm trying to get 100 followers! 

Contest to motivate you to sign up....
When we reach 100 followers for Bonanza of Blessings, and each new follower tells me their favorite blog post thus far BY COMMENT, EMAIL, or FACEBOOK, I will give away to FOUR blog-followers their top choice book that I have reviewed on my blog.  Yup.  On my own dime!

I really hope you will sign up and comment or make suggestions!  Thanks!

Follow me on Pinterest!

http://pinterest.com/kfriedman18/backyard-ideas/

I have several boards on Pinterest, which allows you to gather photos of things on the internet into "idea books."

The one I'd like to highlight is Backyard Ideas.  Spring is coming and there are many wonderful things parents can do to encourage creativity, learning, and love of nature in their own yard.  Good luck to everyone who tries to implement the things they dream of!

Book Review: Kids are Worth it! by Barbara Coloroso

Coloroso writes that there are three types of families: Jellyfish, Backbone, and Brick Wall.  Studying these family types through her book has been so enlightening.  To partially summarize the author's  parenting style, I would list: promotion of respect, structure, communication, and known expectations.  I found her book to be full of very positive ideas and helpful distinctions.  (Distinctions can be SOOO HELPFUL!!)

She has some very influential ideas about reward and punishment.  You will never look at those things, or praise vs. encouragement, the same way again!

A few key chapter headings:

-The triangle of Indlucen: Encouragement, Feedback and Discipline
-Three Alternatives to No and Other Plan Bs
-Settling Sibling Rivalry- some good ideas!
-The Big C and Three Rs: Chores, Relaxation, Recreation, and Rebellion
-Money Matters (Allowance)
-mealtime, bedtime, Toilet training, and teaching about sexuality

Ideas...

SIX CRITICAL LIFE MESSAGES:
I believe in you
I trust in you
I know you can handle this
You are listened to
You are cared for
You are very important to me
-Importance of parents nurturing themselves too :)

-try not to conclude conflicts with both parties losing
-Re-creating ourselves through play
-The importance of relaxation
-what are fair, reasonable contributions for family members to the household
-long car rides are a good time for conversations
-different age groups of children- including one I hadn't heard of before- the "Un" Age- unable to be a child, unable to be an adult (ages 12-15)
-celebrate puberty!  (that idea will make you look this book up, right?)

Great article on homeschooling

18 Reasons Why Doctors and Lawyers Homeschool Their Children

Good article on anger

10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids

by a mom to four young boys, former yeller, blogger at TheOrangeRhino.com

January 20, 2012. I will never forget that date. Thinking I was home alone with my four boys, then ages 5 and under, my handyman caught me in a full on, red in the face, body shaking, throat throbbing scream so bad that all my boys burst into tears. I was mortified. Mortified! And so sad; this was not the mom I had ever dreamed I would be! The next day I decided enough was enough and I promised my boys I would go 365 days straight without yelling. Soon thereafter I discovered that rhinos are calm animals that charge when provoked; I was so a rhino (I even have lots of stretch marks and saggy body parts to prove it.) I just charged with my words instead of a horn. I quickly started calling myself The Orange Rhino as a reminder to no longer yell, but instead to be calm like a rhino and warm like the color orange.

Book review

 If I Have to Tell You One More Time... : The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling by Amy McCready

This book is awesome.  It covers SO many of the most important parenting lessons I've read about everywhere else.

Toolbox Solutions for parents:
1 Mind, Body, and Soul Time- with kids
2 The Calm Voice - the power of mirroring!
3 Encouragement (not praise!)
4 Take Time for Training (teaching kids how to do things right)
5 Choices (gives the feeling of power)
6 Decide what you do (the parents-your reaction is the only thing you can truly control)
7 Control the environment (set up the environment for your kids to succeed)
8 When-Then (say it, fill in the blanks, and walk away! Be consistent.)
9 Make when-then routines the boss.  (The routine that makes things work for all different kinds of day)
10 Natural Consequences (Kid causes it) (requires 5 R's below so it works fairly and effectively)
-Respectful
-Related
-Reasonable
-Revealed in advance
-Repeat it back to you
11 Logical Consequences (similar to #10, but when #10 isn't available or practical or would take too long to play out.  For example: hitting)
12 Either-Or Consequences
13 Ignore Undue-Attention Requests
14 Attention Overload (fill up their "meter" before you really need good behavior)
15 Invite Cooperation (Respectful rather than demanding way to make request. Saves "face" for the kid) (Sometimes needs a follow-up tool such as When-Then
16 Withdraw from Conflict
17 Using "I Feel" Statements (I feel...when you....  I wish...)
18 Stay Out of Fights (siblings)
19 Teach Conflict Resolution Options
20 Helpful Parent Involvement (to intervene when necessary in a conflict.  Try the "sportscaster" narration role.
21 All in it Together.  (Everyone who is part of the fight has the same consequence.)
22-23 Basic Family Meeting

Start, Stop Continue
"3 Things I'd like to start:
3 Things I'd like to stop:
3 Things I'd like to continue:"

School is Going Great!  The teachers and kids love having Adira in their class.  The teachers have said that she adapted super well to the routine and "jumped right in."  We are so proud of her!  I guess we did a good job with her thus far, if she transitioned so smoothly!  She's a great girl!  ;-)

The Computer Epiphany

I realized that the computer is both a window, letting light in, and a black hole, sucking the user in/down. 

The Rebbetzin's Parenting Chabura- notes March 2013


Oppositional defiant disorder book for older kids by Douglas Riley
Best thing for this kind of kid is (in summary): structure and boundaries and follow through, choices they can make, and humor. Humor can be the best new approach!
 
When kids see people not living the way we do, and it looks enticing, help them articulate why Torah life is wonderful.  The best way to keep our kids strong in their faith is to make everything so joyful that they love doing it.

How to build self-esteem:
Give kids the skills to do things
Teach social skills
Give leadership roles
Praise the middos and effort, not just a job done perfectly
Avoid labeling them or criticism bc it can be so detrimental!
Tell daddy in front of kids about mitzvahs they did
Ask kids for advice- makes them feel good about themselves
'I'd bet my last dollar on you!' (from Daniella's mother)- I have so much faith in you
I trust you to do this well
Make sure they know that there is a difference between making mistakes and 'being bad.'
Write them a note for them to see somewhere, like in lunch or under pillow, telling something nice.

Why I don't need to feel guilty about not homeschooling

Assuaging my Mommy Guilt!

Homeschooling is not a good option for our family here and now. We are embracing the option of enrolling Adira in an early-childhood play/education program.

It has been impossible lately to meet both Adira’s social needs and relieve Mommy’s pressures to keep up with her responsibilities.  If our city/neighborhood had more stay-at-home moms and homeschooled kids, we would have company. If times were different, maybe Mommy wouldn’t feel so much stress in trying to complete her household tasks. There will be many good things about this choice.

We will still take primary responsibility for Adira’s education in general and Judaic studies.  We still take primary responsibility for the molding of her character. Sending her to nursery school (or later years of formal schooling) does not replace our primacy as her teachers.

Mommy will use Adira’s time in nursery school to make phone calls, do computer work, advance the major household projects/renovations, and exercise.  It will also allow Nesya to nap and have some Mommy-time. It is very important for Mommy to reduce "to-dos" during this time.

Afternoons will be a time of fun and child- and family-focused activity!  Mommy has hundreds of ideas for wonderful activities.  This will also be a time for dinner prep and some light housework as that is good for the development of character in kids.

Homeschooling is not only a real thing but it is also a state of mind.  We can always embrace the spirit of home education and offer it as an option if school is too problematic/not ideal.  These early years when our kids are pre-reading and not getting any form of electronic “babysitting”, as well as the reasons stated in paragraph 1a and 1b, make it clear that the best option for us now is nursery school, and carrying on the spirit  of homeschooling.

The Rebbetzin's Parenting Chabura- January - February 2013

January 2013
It is good to create a family stamp and identity- a flag like each tribe had when Bnai Yisrael were in the desert. 

Similar to a couple having a mission statement.  It gives kids an identity and a cause to rally behind, such as: kiruv, health, outdoors, hobby, israel, middos.  We can turn and interest we have to Hashem.
First create the positive identity; then you can create the 'what we don't do in our family' part of it.
Ask your friends what you stand for in their eyes- that might help you understand what you already represent.

note by KF:  I have recently read a LOT about this topic- Parade Magazine, Wall Street Journal, Parents Magazine are all discussing the secrets of successful and happy families, and how to create a family identity.

Question from participant: When to have the puberty talk with girls? 
Friday after candle-lighting is the best because it is uninterrupted and holy time. Talking and relating on deeper level. Should be at 5th grade age or earlier depending on development. Use book the wonder of becoming you by dr miriam grossman.  The aspect of holiness in shabbos helps make conversation easier. It helps to explain how our bodies are holy and hashem made them this way. One way to say things: Under the chuppa Hashem blesses a mother with the ability to carry a baby.

February 6, 2013
-home responsibilities for kids

Giving jobs and chores helps develop maturity and ability to cope with adversity

Tell them “I’m doing this for your good” when helping them cope with adversity/something not ideal in their minds

-touch and children

Touch is very important for both boys and girls

We start training children re: laws of shomer negia at one year before bar/bas mitzvah

Grandparents and siblings touch is OK, but sometimes brother-sister touch can be uncomfortable for older kids.  respectful, light affection is good

-Middos

“What middos should I teach at home the most?”

Hakaras hatov.  Kids who are grateful are happier.

Ayin tova- seeing things positively

Emes-truth

Chessed (but not taught as though “we are doing them a chessed”)

Social skills

Orderliness- teach it explicitly- “this is how you organize…”

-warm/harsh balance of parents

Teach that we defer to Daddy’s decision (especially regarding halacha)

Mother know they can greatly influence, in gentle and effective ways, when she knows what the situation really requires- bina

Chachmas nashim bansa beisa- a woman’s wisdom builds her home.  This means you figure out how to “work with” your husband and make things good like they can be

Kids would rather be disciplined harshly than see their parents discord, studies say.

Mothers need to be disciplinarians and set limits and structure but also need to stay nurturing

February 20, 2013

Modesty/tznius

best way to explain the beauty of it (once we ourselves are comfortable with it) is to tell daughter that the Torah instructshide what is special in our bodies
Make tznius a sign of being older like make-up and heels
If a child wants to go overboard explain that they can do it for fun but they can always stop when they want. That makes it NOT a rebellion to shorten sleeves, trim off peyos, etc

The more tznius in your home, the more refinement.
tznius = nobility, beauty
Dignity of being dressed
Little girls can see anything but dad's private parts, but more coverage translates to being held in higher esteem
For curious questions give a little information.  What is [the bra]?  Mommy's clothing.  Etc.

Sibling rivalry- Daniela had idea of kids have to try to work it out before hey come to mommy- great.
Sibling rivalry happens when kids aren't happy. If they feel special as who they are they won't covet or be jealous
Give them internal strength
Give them responsibilities because it makes them feel good
Talk more about middos and not just end result. Talk about inner growth- zerizus, kavod
'In the house you can fight but outside of the house you take care of each other.' 

Kids feel secure with that.
Fighting means they are having a hard time

We teach halacha "No before yes"- it's easier to understand "lo sa'aseh" mitzvos first.  The "no's" are taught (i.e. Chinuch- proper training) at age 4-5, and the "yes's" at 5-6.  Of course they only "have" to do it at bar/bas mitzvah age.
We teach when they can understand
 

Great parenting blog recommendation- go subscribe to it right away! :)

Somewhere I found this amazing blog, The Parenting Passageway.  The articles are SO good and cover a lot of amazing emotional topics in parenting and also some very insightful and inspirational articles on home education (the Waldorf way).  I have learned so much and been inspired to be balanced and healthy as a mom and homemaker.  The author gives a lot of significance to the art of spiritual homemaking and caring for your family.  She brings down a lot of deep ideas for families and especially regarding education.  She keeps you in tune with the seasons and psychology.

Notes from a great video presentation on anger (for parents)

PUTTING THE LID ON ANGER

 A video presentation by Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski and Mrs. Shlomtzy Weiss

R’ Twerski section:

-Turn down the heat of your anger- it is easier to do that than clean up the spilled pot which boiled over (the results of angry interactions and increased hurt from communicating while angry.)

-One of his main techniques for conquering anger was to read the Ramban’s letter to his son once a week.  It can be found at this link: http://www.pirchei.co.il/specials/ramban/ramban.htm

-It is about humility, calmness, avoiding anger, and teshuva.

Your Brain on Childhood: The unexpected side effects of Classrooms, Ballparks, Family Rooms, and the Minivan
by Gabrielle Principe

(Summary Part 1 of 2)

Stuff to do in the winter with kids!!!
My newest ideas away and at home
Section 1) Away, Section 2) Home

If I Have to Tell You One More Time...The revolutionary program that gets your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling By Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc.

I'm BACK!

Well, well, if it hasn't been the busiest and most challenging and wonderful five solid months since my last post!  I have often wanted to update this blog with my new experiences as a mom of two daughters under 3, but was not able to get around to it!

I have been reading parenting books like crazy, of course, to keep up with the new stages and happenings- especially with my almost-three-year-old.  I've relied heavily on seasoned veteren parents- my friends and family who've been there, done that.

Coming up next will be a series of a few blog posts contained insights gleaned from several great parenting books, conversations with my "support team," and notes from meetings with my parenting "chabura" for baalei teshuva moms. 

Mommy and Baby lovin' it up!

Daddy and Daughter swimming in our hotel in Chicago!

Family at Chanukah!

My Swedish Hospital weekly "Parent Review" email article had a great section today...and they're always right on target with the developmental tips, too.  I am sharing this because it is particularly practical!

Did you know?
Toddlers love to help out around the house and elsewhere. It makes them feel like big kids and helps to foster their sense of empathy and caring for others.

Volunteering together
It’s not too early to introduce your child to the experience of community service. Many volunteer activities are well-suited to a toddler’s abilities: helping out in a community garden, bringing a meal to an elderly neighbor, or caring for a friend’s pet dog or cat. All can be managed and appreciated by even very young children, especially when shared with you.
Side by side
The toddler years are a famously difficult time for parents to get any chores done around the house. One way to eke out some productive time is to have your child do a similar task while you do yours. This may take some planning on your part but it will be worth it. Baking a cake? Set out ingredients for your child to work with, and have him stir his “cake” while you stir yours, pour while you pour. Or, you can measure ingredients that are part of your recipe and let him pour them into the mixer.
Try using toy versions of your household tools (brooms, vacuum cleaners, screwdrivers) and assign your child specific tasks (“Can you vacuum your room while I vacuum the hallway?”). This may keep him entertained long enough for you to at least make a dent in the work…and teach him about household chores that can became real ones for him before too long.

some awesome parenting books and advice to make you laugh, think, and smile!

Lately I’ve been reading a lot about parenting from different cultures, and also getting some really good advice from one of my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law!  If anyone has other good book suggestions, let me know!

-Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman: You can read my previous post with lots of concise and practical lessons learned.

-Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.  CRAZY book about how one Chinese-American woman sought to instill the values of hard work and success into her daughters.  I read this book in a really short time; it was fast and interesting reading.  Might be of special interest to those who are very interested in the extremely high end of classical musical instrument training for kids.  You will come to respect the success of many immigrants and people from other cultures, but you will also probably realize that some good old American “balance” is the way we like it!

-Run Like a Mother: How to Get Moving and Not Lose Your Family, Job, or Sanity by Sarah Bowen Shea and Dimity McDowell:  I actually read this hysterical book a while ago and couldn’t stop laughing.  If you‘re a runner or athlete type of mom, it’s a must-read!  

-Bonnie:  As I previously mentioned in my first post about sleep, Bonnie helped me with those ideas and also with general behavioral questions about toddlers.

-Simi:  Among her amazing contributions to my parenting strength and style are the following ideas:

Sleep post, #2

Update (a week or two later):
Toddler bed with specially chosen sheet set has overall been a success!  She's more than adorable sleeping in it and overall it really helped transform a spiraling situation of not sleeping in her room to a much, much better one.  Make a celebration out of it!  We still have to bring her back in sometimes if she tries to "escape" but more often it's just our usual stories, songs, reminders, and I-love-you's.
A few of the best tools from our toolbox: