Dealing with Anger

Dealing with anger

These ideas were gathered from a recent Mussar class with the NHBZ young families community, Aish.com, and Chabad.org, as well as wise words from people like you and me :)  There is always more that could be said about this human trait, and much more that Jewish sources teach, so here are just some that it helped me to review.
·         Aizehu Gibor? Hakovesh es yitzro.  Who is heroic and strong?  One who controls their urges.  BE A HERO!!!

·         Set example.  If I want my kids to conquer their anger, I need to demonstrate that it is possible. 

·         Leave doors open to communication and love.  Anger will leave burn my bridges with my children.

·         Praise the good, don’t just say “it was good behavior, but that’s what is expected.” Celebrate good behavior.  Be understanding that kids are seeking autonomy and they have to push a little to find how to express it properly.

·         If I want to yell at kids for something bad they are doing, first give myself a “mommy time out” and come back to deal with the kids’ problem which made me angry later, without anger. 

·         Remember that Hashem can see us at all times and we would be ashamed of expressing anger and not dealing with it properly.

·         If we practice controlling our anger, the “control” muscle will get stronger.

·         Set yourself and your family up for success.  Don’t make yourself so busy you are too stressed out.

·         Imagine if you heard a recording of yourself speaking while angry.

·         The Alter Rebbe says: If we believe that what happened is G‑d’s will, we would not become angry at all.

o    Getting angry means you don’t have faith that what’s happening to you is really coming from G‑d. The person you’re angry at is just a messenger. Now, obviously, he or she still had free choice, and will be held accountable. But getting angry is not the answer. Rather than asking, “Why is this person doing this bad thing?” ask a bigger question: “What is G‑d trying to tell me in this moment?” What is my test?  How can I make a tikkun?

·       In human interactions, taking ourselves out of the picture, divesting ourselves of the contaminant of ego is empowering. Not only does it allow us to get a handle on angry and damaging responses, it also allows us to do real listening and get what the other person is really about.  "This is not about me."

·      The ego, the lesser self, is prideful, territorial, arrogant and totally absorbed in its desires and wants. Anger is a reaction of the ego to a perceived affront, a sense of diminution of its power. Frequent anger attacks or outbursts should be warning signals to the individual that the lesser part of themselves has taken up too much space and dominion over their person.

·      Anger is like a blast of frigid air that withers everything in its path. 

·      The Talmud teaches: "When a person gives in to anger, if he is wise, his wisdom leaves him. If he is a prophet, his power of prophecy leaves him; if greatness was decreed for him from Heaven, anger will cause him to be degraded."

·      "Remove anger from your heart and thus remove pain from your body" –King Solomon/Koheles (Ecclesiastes).  The bearer of anger is ultimately the greatest loser on every score --spiritually, emotionally and physically.