YOU are the curriculum in whatever kind of school your child
attends.
Those that have studied early childhood know that children
learn by imitation. This is stressed in every single Waldorf early childhood
book I have read. Your young child learns by watching you! And not just
watching by you, they “feel” you. They pick up on your moods, your stress, and
your joy. Then, after they watch and feel you, they begin to play it all out.
I’m sure you’ve overheard your child practicing something you’ve said in a tone
you’ve used! This is how they learn.
On TIME-OUTS
Let's imagine a child is cranky for
some reason or another and is complaining or disruptive. Mama is tired of his
whining and sends him to his room for a time out.
Let's look at what it means to send
a child to his or her room for being miserable. Misery is a feeling, an
expression of emotion.
A miserable child is having some big
strong emotions, like sadness and disappointment. Children do not know what to
do with these big strong feelings, so they lash out and have meltdowns and have
tantrums. This is completely normal and
to be expected.
Children have big emotions. They
squeal with joy, cry in frustration, stamp their feet, interrupt and whine in
the most annoying way. Our initial
impulse is probably to push it away, make it go away, or at least put it out of
earshot. (this is probably a protective impulse of sorts!)
And the more we ignore it, or
discount it, the more likely it is to resurface with new found intensity in a
completely unrelated moment. For our emotions go somewhere. They go in deeper
and get stronger and heavier to carry around.
When we name it and acknowledge it,
the child will usually moves through it, like this, "you're feeling sad
about not going out to play, you want to be with the other children. you are
angry at me for saying no."
Right there we help the child be in
his body, be fully present and grounded and aware that he is feeling something
strong and it is sadness and anger. If we share a story of our own about being
young that helps too sometimes. No need to process the feelings or get into to
them deeply or talk about them beyond naming them and acknowledging the child
in the moment.
If we send them off to be alone because
we are feeling uncomfortable with their feelings, then we have some work to do
on ourselves. Sending them off when they are in distress is a form of
abandonment.
This is a great example of
where inner work helps us grow and understand our children by
understanding ourselves. Then we can respond with calm action rather than react
all over the place and make a big mess of it, make our children fearful and
teach them to stuff their feelings.
When my children's behavior arouses
feelings in me, that is a sign that I have something to look at and release
from my own experience of childhood in order to really see my children and
respond healthily. We all have it. It is part of being human. When we ignore it
and get angry and frustrated with our children's behavior it is very difficult
to guide them. We need to take care of ourselves first. Then we can be grounded
to really see, hear and feel them and guide them through the big emotions and
challenges of life.
When we send our children to their
rooms because we don't like their behavior, we are missing a chance to look
beneath that behavior at what the child is trying to tell us, what does the
child need in this moment? Usually it has to do with connection. A separation
only drives it all deeper and makes it harder for the child to grow and learn
how to get their needs met in healthy ways. And then we feel bad about
ourselves.
Rather than have bad feelings, let
go of them, remember we are all learning. Our children are our teachers.
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