Why I Fasted- A letter to my kids

Dear Adira and Nesya,
Yesterday was Tisha B'Av.  I was able to fast for 24 hours of the 25 hours.  I had the experience similar to many other mothers- and it had nothing to do with hearing kinnos or Eicha in shul.  I didn't go to watch the communal video screenings, lectures, etc.  (I would have liked that but it wasn't possible this year.) I did immerse myself for most of the day in either learning and reading about the day, or teaching about it to the children of the next generation- YOU!

I felt surprisingly good during the fast (while being mostly horizontal!) all the way til about 7pm. I lasted a little longer until I suddenly felt more of a decline, probably due to general dehydration (even while resting) from nursing.  I broke my fast and waiting for my strength to return.  Toward the end of my fast, I didn't mind you seeing me "weak."  I want you to know it's OK to feel weak.  And I knew you would also realize that it was strength that allowed me to go that far.  I wanted you to see me weak and strong simultaneously, because that's often what it is.  A mixture of feelings.  That's also what our nation feels at times- both weak and strong at the same time.
I don't want to forget to mention how helpful you girls were.  Especially Adira, who was awake during my last hour as I started to feel unable to continue fasting.

My tools:
I was able to fast while nursing David numerous times throughout the day by resting most of the day. But the other tool I used my attitude.  I want you to know that that is how many important things are possible- a strong, positive attitude!  I believe that if you approach something with an "I can do that!" attitude, you have a pretty good chance of succeeding.  (I'm sure research has been done and found that to be true!)  If Hashem gives us a commandment, it means it is within our ability to do it- it is not impossible.  The sages (rabbis) knew that women are STRONG.  Even in today's generation, we are pretty strong!  Even while nursing a child we can fast!  If I wasn't nursing, perhaps I would have been able to be active.  Daddy and many other people who are healthy enough are able to be quite active while fasting.

Getting through the day and making it meaningful with the kids:
Even while nursing, I was able to sufficiently take care of the kids and home until around bedtime on 9 Av.  I did it through a combination of planning (preparing meals and activities) and employing mother's helpers (Meital and Bracha.)  We also had a great long playdate with Nesya R. and later with Tzipora.  Before the helpers came, we read some pages about what Tisha B'Av is all about.  With the mother's helpers, you did a kotel project where you designed a kotel and wrote some of your best mitzvas on it.  You also colored Kamtza and Bat Kamtza puppets and we told the story.  Then we talked about a scenario like that story but used real people to make it sound like something that really could have happened.

Thoughts about the day:
This year I didn't get to read the actual kinnos, because I mistakenly could not locate the siddur with them, although I did listen to a number of short lectures and read a lot of articles.  My reflections on the day don't encompass the experience of a typical community observance, but a "Mommy's 9 Av."
Tisha B'Av is a day of SO much potential.  It's a day to flex our compassionate muscles and stretch ourselves to think about the losses our nation has experienced.  It can be hard to feel compassionate for something that feels like the "other" because we weren't there at the destruction of the temples and the other calamities that have fallen on 9 Av throughout history.  But that's the very reason we have to try. Because it's so important to have empathy.  One million Jews died, our whole nation was exiled from the Holy Land, and the beautiful dwelling place for G-d that existed was desecrated and burned.  Even though living in exile can sometimes even feel so comfortable that we don't really wish to change it, it's because we do not even know what we are missing.  So every year, take at least one day to immerse yourself in the history of our people. Mourn for the actual pain and suffering, the loss that really happened.  A whole entire people, made homeless.  Take yourself on an imaginary trip to Jerusalem in those days.  And come out of it being sensitive to weakness, stronger in your confidence, and more compassionate to suffering.  I think it's really worthwhile.

I hope the rest of 9 Avs we share together will be very meaningful and reflective, and that soon, there will be no more days of sorrow, only joy and shivat Tzion, a return to Zion.
Love, Mommy