The Rebbetzin's Parenting Chabura- January - February 2013

January 2013
It is good to create a family stamp and identity- a flag like each tribe had when Bnai Yisrael were in the desert. 

Similar to a couple having a mission statement.  It gives kids an identity and a cause to rally behind, such as: kiruv, health, outdoors, hobby, israel, middos.  We can turn and interest we have to Hashem.
First create the positive identity; then you can create the 'what we don't do in our family' part of it.
Ask your friends what you stand for in their eyes- that might help you understand what you already represent.

note by KF:  I have recently read a LOT about this topic- Parade Magazine, Wall Street Journal, Parents Magazine are all discussing the secrets of successful and happy families, and how to create a family identity.

Question from participant: When to have the puberty talk with girls? 
Friday after candle-lighting is the best because it is uninterrupted and holy time. Talking and relating on deeper level. Should be at 5th grade age or earlier depending on development. Use book the wonder of becoming you by dr miriam grossman.  The aspect of holiness in shabbos helps make conversation easier. It helps to explain how our bodies are holy and hashem made them this way. One way to say things: Under the chuppa Hashem blesses a mother with the ability to carry a baby.

February 6, 2013
-home responsibilities for kids

Giving jobs and chores helps develop maturity and ability to cope with adversity

Tell them “I’m doing this for your good” when helping them cope with adversity/something not ideal in their minds

-touch and children

Touch is very important for both boys and girls

We start training children re: laws of shomer negia at one year before bar/bas mitzvah

Grandparents and siblings touch is OK, but sometimes brother-sister touch can be uncomfortable for older kids.  respectful, light affection is good

-Middos

“What middos should I teach at home the most?”

Hakaras hatov.  Kids who are grateful are happier.

Ayin tova- seeing things positively

Emes-truth

Chessed (but not taught as though “we are doing them a chessed”)

Social skills

Orderliness- teach it explicitly- “this is how you organize…”

-warm/harsh balance of parents

Teach that we defer to Daddy’s decision (especially regarding halacha)

Mother know they can greatly influence, in gentle and effective ways, when she knows what the situation really requires- bina

Chachmas nashim bansa beisa- a woman’s wisdom builds her home.  This means you figure out how to “work with” your husband and make things good like they can be

Kids would rather be disciplined harshly than see their parents discord, studies say.

Mothers need to be disciplinarians and set limits and structure but also need to stay nurturing

February 20, 2013

Modesty/tznius

best way to explain the beauty of it (once we ourselves are comfortable with it) is to tell daughter that the Torah instructshide what is special in our bodies
Make tznius a sign of being older like make-up and heels
If a child wants to go overboard explain that they can do it for fun but they can always stop when they want. That makes it NOT a rebellion to shorten sleeves, trim off peyos, etc

The more tznius in your home, the more refinement.
tznius = nobility, beauty
Dignity of being dressed
Little girls can see anything but dad's private parts, but more coverage translates to being held in higher esteem
For curious questions give a little information.  What is [the bra]?  Mommy's clothing.  Etc.

Sibling rivalry- Daniela had idea of kids have to try to work it out before hey come to mommy- great.
Sibling rivalry happens when kids aren't happy. If they feel special as who they are they won't covet or be jealous
Give them internal strength
Give them responsibilities because it makes them feel good
Talk more about middos and not just end result. Talk about inner growth- zerizus, kavod
'In the house you can fight but outside of the house you take care of each other.' 

Kids feel secure with that.
Fighting means they are having a hard time

We teach halacha "No before yes"- it's easier to understand "lo sa'aseh" mitzvos first.  The "no's" are taught (i.e. Chinuch- proper training) at age 4-5, and the "yes's" at 5-6.  Of course they only "have" to do it at bar/bas mitzvah age.
We teach when they can understand